Yes, Youre Fat and No One Likes You
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My parents instilled in me early that no one likes me, but I also experienced that in reality. They were absolutely right, no one liked me. I also experienced a trauma that completely altered my perception of people and reality. I recently discovered a solution to my no-one-likes-me problem.
At first I felt the same way I always felt: why am I even trying? What am I even looking for? No one will like me anyway, why waste my time? And there were a ton of busts before I noticed any success. I tried several groups before I found one I liked. They found me funny and witty and interesting, and we all did things together.
When I fell behind in the group, they noticed immediately and made an effort to help me feel included. As for local forums that involve one-on-one conversations, I met my significant other in my quest for friendship, along with so many other people who share my interests and value spending time with me. And yes, I still struggle with the inner demon mentioned in this article. Are they just pandering me because they pity me? No one has ever willingly tolerated my presence in my whole life—certainly love and friendship are lofty goals for someone like me. Lucie, I really hope this helps a little.
Wow…thank everyone. This nobody likes me thing and the sharing gives some insight. I experienced this at a very young age and still exposed to this negative behavior. Growing up some of my black friends told me I wasnt black enough, do they excluded me. Some of my white friends excluded me because they knew my parents were black. It has been a journey and I am thankful for it because it cultivated some great character traits.
This is me. My husband used to say I should kill myself. But I feel like my inner voice agrees with most people. My ex was one of the most understanding people, but she left me over my problems. Most people have more going for them. Hi John, I have no clue who are you or where do you come from or what qualities you have… But I am sure of one thing…That you want to change… First of all,the way you list of your shortcomings try and list out your qualities like you have a good sense of humor or whatever..
Stop undervaluing yourself.. Agreed that your ex left you because of some problems but she came close to you because of your qualities…Understand this. Your age,job status are all circumstances in your life. Having a great job will not make you a happy person.
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If you are lonely without money,trust me you will be lonely with money…But loneliness is just a state of mind.. You can be lonely in a room full of people and you can be happy alone as well. I hope it helps. I loved reading this! Nothing is for sure. It is what it is right now. I will have compassion for myself. Guys please help me.. Now a days I do lot of overthinking.. And all will be negative only.
I have some insecure feelings also.. Pls advise how to come out of this. Dear Ashima, We encourage you to get support, whether through a group, a counselor or therapist. Hi Ashima, I think its right to say that i understand how u feel…if u r from india, going to a therapist also wouldnt be that easy due to social cliches.
Its difficult for me to advice something without knowing what is happening in your life right now. BUt i have been there where u r now…U feel like if only ur mind could stop thinking for a while…u pray incessantly for ur thoughts to stop but all in vain…I will just recommend u that start something which u like or u r passionate about. Start learning guitar or anything else. Thanks for your article on the critical inner voice. Something or someone that causes harm chaos.
Thank you and God Bless. Try new palces, new people, new activities, new friendes.. Get distracted from who around you, get bussy, be happy you deserve it! Where and how do you find no friends? Most people already have their friends. I was in the same boat and decided to try hobby clubs and local online forums as well as finding friends on dating sites the ones that have a platonic friendship option. This was great because I got to make memories based off of shared interests in an environment I chose before deciding if I wanted to be myself around people—but it turns out that I was already being myself because doing and talking about things I love made me come out of my shell.
Best of luck to you. Hope this helps. That was very well said. Clear, concise and so very accurate. What I dont understand is how family and friends can be so cold…with their actions, words and lack of acceptance, validation, kindness or support, yet claim they love you. But the second you stick up for yourself, they become angry, hateful and are quick to turn the tables on you to find reasons or excuses to blame you for they way THEY act.
Which further isolates you and increases your feelings of self doubt, vulnerability, lonliness and being accepted. Its very difficult to not feel defeated and keep putting yourself out there to meet more new people when its people who ultimately cause you so much pain. Im a very generous, kind, helpful, fun, sincere, loyal person. But I will stick up for or defend myself. I do tend to get taken advantage of because I like helping people out. But I also say no, too, so I do set boundaries. Yet, this poor treatment from others seems to be a repeating theme for me.
So, what I would most like to know is, what am I doing to invite or perpetuate this dynamic with people? I truly do not understand. I relate so much to this.. I too defend myself and I set boundaries.. But my good qualities out weigh any bad ones.. I feel this way on how people treat me.. But some how fail to show their love and support.. And these days are the times when I break down..
And start the whole process again from the beginning! One thing I do know.. We enter this world alone.. We have one life! Elizabeth, that is called verbal abuse. Either that, or you have very poor social understanding and act in a way that makes people afraid of you etc. If that is the case, you can learn. Nobody is born with social skills, we all learn them from somewhere.
Socially fluent people actually study it under a master or go to school to master their emotional intelligence skills! Elizabeth, I know exactly how you feel! It hurts deeply! No parent should ever be so mean and spiteful, but in reality it happens! These are known as Toxic people! They are set on destruction! Please believe me when I tell you from experience, you are better than they are! You have to believe in yourself and your kids! Hold your head up high! This is my whole life.
I understand all too well and just writing this is exhausting, if anyone gets that. Does anyone get it…? I guess. Leave your mom out for a while and see how she likes it. Tell her everybody hates her see how she feels. No one deserves this. No one wants to hear me when I did try to tell. It was too late because I was already reported. No one wanted to know why I did some things. Everybody wants to report everybody about any lil thing. No matter how others perceive you, your most important job is to figure out how you truly perceive yourself.
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It seems my most avid bedtime routine here lately has been, Step 1- put on PJs. Step 2- cry. I just have to keep telling myself that nobody is worth my pain, and then I can finally get some rest.
God bless Jamil. Stay strong Cora! I will try to do the same as well from now on. We have to stay strong all of us! Ok Seriously, what about when I think everything is great. Again… This as happened all my life! This is very much my story, too. I think the therapists need to concentrate less on what the victims are doing wrong and more on the people who make them victims.
Many so-called psychologically healthy individuals are initiating or instigating the hatred towards people who are not as popular as they are. Yet, the manipulative, popular person passes the litmus test because they have friends. The unpopular person, made unpopular by the actions of other people a twist on the self-fulfilling prophecy myth is left holding the bag.
That has been my experience too, my whole life. In my twenties and thirties, I discovered my sibling and parents had been on vacations without me. I love having fun. I also enjoy staying in and watching movies and taking. I would like adult company sometimes. It hurts my feelings when I find out about my family going on vacations or friends getting together but I was never included. Now I just keep to myself all the time even though I really want to be included. When I work I have no problem cutting up with people and building relationships.
But it ends there. No one talks to me outside of work or away from social media. I feel like an outcast and that no one really cares at all. These same people then have the nerve to criticize me for being depressed. And that makes me feel stupid.
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I feel for you , the only thing my family value about me , is that they got rid of me. I just keep studying. Think of going to town where no one knows me at the end when I graduate. Sorry you so lonely , xx Kim. Are we the black sheep , I feel same as you ladies. I feel this same way. However thinking about it I am realizing that is where my inner critic is coming from. All the family outings I was excluded from and the way my family makes me feel like an outcast with their words and behaviors.
I am now determined to prove my inner critic wrong! I also have been considering that when I go into a situation hoping for the best and being friendly and really trying only to be left out and isolated once again…it is highly possible that I am projecting my feeling of dislike toward the new people. Thinking back on the situations it only ever seems to happen when I myself dont enjoy the particular group I am trying to be a part of.
What are the rules? This is me to a T. If I ever go to a party, its cause I invited myself. Noone tries to talk to me, seems its always me that has to make the attempt to talk to people. I know I am shy but I push myself out there. I see people avoid me. Even my own brother, hugs me when he does see me but we bought a house almost a year ago and he hasnt even seen it yet, even though hes been right up the road. My Mom is a mile away and has only been here maybe 4 times.
So much of this article explained the inner thoughts. Sexually molested as a young girl, Emotionally and physically abused also. Everybody was busy, so nobody came. I ended up feeling worse about myself in the end. Kinda proved that inner voice right that no one liked me. My shrink says I need to go out and find nice people. I keep asking her how. I seem to have bad luck with it and just keep getting hurt. I feel the exact same way.
Not even here with me.
I smile at everyone and I go into situations feeling positive and confident- not overly- yet no one includes me in anything. I need to start being a jerk in order to dazzle people and leave some sort of lasting impression. What you wrote is almost exactly how I feel too! I am certainly not perfect, but I perceive myself as a genuine, courteous, kind, generous person with a healthy sense of humor.
I love to laugh with others not at others. I also perceive that most of the time when I attempt to interact with a group of people that I am always the one no one cares to listen too. I am careful not to dominate but if I speak even three words, someone will always interrupt me and it is as if I am just a ghost nobody notices.
But I have tried being obnoxious to see if that would get me heard at least…but the reaction from the group when I do that is someone calls me out to put me in my place and I end up humiliated. Then feel really stupid for acting obnoxious against my nature. When I simply raise my voice to be heard I feel that people are looking at me like I am some kind of freak.
What about if you are really lonely and it is not only a state of mind? There are a lot of people around me and I can get them like me if I want to. Oh I do relate to you , we try but would like to be heard too. I hear you! I am the same way. I always go out of my way to be helpful, considerate to others. I feel that is is very easy for people to abuse this strength of ours.
Cause that is how I see it, a curse, and a strength at the same time. I am currently in a rough situation after coming out of a 12yr relationship that left me completely drained and empty. Any contact that I have with them is because I initiate it. It makes me feel even more unloved. It makes me incredibly said that the only emotional outlet available to me, is one that I need to pay for You are understood, at least, by me. Lounik, try to get away from having to lie. Remember that humans used to live in groups of or less—Imagine how few people of our age group there used to be!
Now we at least have internet so you can discuss your interest in a group or something. Unfortunately it seems that the more you give to a loved one the more they take, the less you ask for the less they give to you. I know exactly how this feels. My band is Annie and My whole life I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me that everybody knew about but know one talks about.
I was never popular but had some friends. I did sports and piano too. In my team no girls ever talk to me, I was very lonely so I quit. I moved to US when I was I finished my BS in biology and got into pharmacy school and got my doctorate degree there. People sitting next to my ask about medications from someone else and ignoring me as a drug expert. Recently our friend finish her nursing degree which is only 2 year program and all of the sudden everybody listens to her advise and completely ignoring me.
Sometimes it brings a teat to my eyes. I know and feel very competent and my decisions always been excellent in my career but somehow people just ignore me. I always have negative thoughts and visions and always imagine the worse. I have been devolved for 6 years and no one asked me out. People sometimes think me and my 13 year old daughter ate sisters. I try to read and educate myself, increase my self esteem, be positive but nothing changes in my life.
I cry sometimes because I feel very very lonely insight. I try very hard to please everybody all the time. I take my parents and my daughter to Europe every year for vacation, I put my daughter to private school since she was pre-schooler , I try to surprise my family with nice gifts but inside I feel very empty. There is nothing in my life that gives me back something.
My parents do their best for me, help me with my daughter and give me love but I still feel very empty. I think not being able to meet any guy who would show an interest in my really bothers me a lot. When I go to parties or professional mixers I stay completely invisible. I already tried auto suggestion that I am pretty and smart and well deserved but the reality shows me something very different. Annie, My heart breaks for you as I read your words. I was struck by the eighteenth sentence you wrote above — if that is true, you might be interested in this article about the scientifically-supported study of positive emotions and thought, and your power over creating them.
Good luck and much love. Please know that you DO make a difference in this world…. I just recently moved away from home and started college. It is the end of my first semester away at college and I feel very very lonely, anxious, and depressed. Being in a whole new surrounding with new people makes me anxious and also makes me realize that I have had this inner voice my whole life.
I would say that your greatness is hard for the average person to be around, and, although unintentional, you surface their deepest insecurities. When they compare themselves to you, they feel bad about themselves, which makes you feel bad about yourself. Makes sense? Thank you for your kinds thought however I am afraid those are not true. I have tried every kind of literature and outogussestion but I feel nothing is helping me how I feel. Again, I would like to thank you for your thoughts and hope one day I will figure out what is wrong with me.
Accepting yourself as normal human who like to be part of human community, there is no shame in showing interests, even when it misfires. You know the nerdy king, the engineers and computer scientists. There are lots of people who gravitate toward each other for reasons that may be mysterious even to themselves.
Lastly, check out with a psychologist if you can afford it for a few hundred bucks, if it really bothers you why you are seen invisible. I really appreciate your advise and recommendations. I think you are absolutely right about me trying hard.
I try hard meeting people, I try hard pleasing people. Thanks again. You may look so confident that people are afraid to approach you. Could this be the case? Annie: I was you. You must dedicate your life to change. Inner work comes first. You are not the opinions of others. Happiness is mostly a choice.
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There are endless battles to be fought, and many people quit after just losing one. Persistence is key. You can reprogram habits and better perspectives into your mind within several months. When I had enough, and dedicated every single moment, right now, to being in control of my thoughts and emotions, I started seeing real results.
My depression and social anxiety is normal now. I am much healthier in ever aspect because I do the work to get that health.. I welcome challenges. I found peace and self-love.. I am still invisible. I never fit in with those people anyway. But I am a human like everyone else, and although introverted, I do enjoy the company of others at times. That is normal. So I understand the frustration. Human beings get really out of whack when it comes to seeking social worth, but in the end, as valuable as it can be, it is still an illusion.
You decide your worth. You must learn to be a warrior of life and enjoy it, and you can, but you have to dig deep down and do a lot of introspection. Sounds like you put a lot of your worth into the opinions of your parents, comparing yourself to your brother, and mixed with a lot of real or delusion when it comes to the opinions of others.
Understand deep in your soul: you are not the opinions of others. Put on a happy song, think back to one of your happier times.. Use it every day for the rest of your life. Thank you so much John! I deeply appreciate your thoughts and it made a lots of sense to me. Thanks again! The hole in your life might be filled with His love. I love the Lord. Amen Mike! God Bless you for saying that. I feel that everyone I am around family included tries to bring me down.
I have constant hate from my family. They call me lazy, selfish, etc. You are not the opinions of others, even your parents. I really relate to it. But I just dont know how to keep that momentum going once it starts to work. Eventually my mood just shifts and throws me off track, and i spiral down again.
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I feel like people tend to seek friendship with other who have a crowd around them. My loneliness is working against my chances finding friends. Oh hi Fred , I understand , it really sucks hey , really hurts. Makes it easier to tell the truth of how things are not so good for us , instead of pretending.
Thanks again for your touching post , Kim. So when you're done talking to me the last thing you would say is well Kellie is short, fat, and blonde. Because I have given you the descriptors to use for me by who I told you I am. Kellie is strong. Kellie is confident. Kellie is authentic. Kellie is brave. Kellie is human. Kellie is annoying. Kellie is I can be whatever I want to be!
Feeling Fat and Failing
If you go into any social situation being apologetic that the word fat is your descriptor, then they are going to describe you in this way! Because that is what society tells them to do. That is what you are telling them to believe of you! You don't have to accept someone else's perception of you!
Forget That Crap! No one gets to tell you who you are! What you believe about yourself is who people will believe you are! Society as much as we hope and pray it will change just isn't going to. Just look at your social media feed. How many girl bosses sell some kind of product to make you less fat. It's constant. If you're not feeling the pressure to eat clean, p90x, wrap it up, slather it on, or pill pop I'm not against these approaches. If you feel like it's what you'd like to do for self care. Do you have to? You see, you are capable of loving yourself before your 90 day results.
You are capable of accepting every stretch mark, love handle, and fat biscuit. It's not easy! No one likes to accept that they are not heading towards perfection. We live in a world where striving for perfection is the only acceptable means for living. But it's not healthy! I'm probably never going to be less than a size 16! So I choose to love myself today, right now, and exactly as I am. Whether I lose one more pound or gain ten more. I choose to surround myself with people who love fat Kellie. I choose to project my beauty and strength.
I choose to tell other people who I am by how I feel about myself. I choose to feel beautiful even if I don't look the same as societies view of beauty. That's on me! I Choose Fat Kellie! And that's should be enough! Hear more of the story on the blog So Not Together. Join our daily conversations of self love and positivity on Facebook and Twitter! Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you.
Yep I'm fat! You heard me right! I said it. What you gonna do about it? Because I didn't care that I was fat! I was just me! Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard. Join HuffPost Plus. Our immigrant parents sacrificed a lot for us to come to America. They instilled a strong work ethic in us, paid for us to go to college, and wanted us to do better than they did. They are simply telling us the truth. Tearfully, she told me that she loves me, no matter what. I believe that she does.
Yes, we feel insecure sometimes. Sometimes we do feel fat. Image from Thinkstock. Sign in Get started. Are There Fat Asians?